The Heart

Ashley’s Livejournal features the angsty outpourings of a teenager from the early 2000s living in Southwest Florida. Just like many who came of age at the time, she flushed feelings out into the anonymous online public. Looking back on these entries, Ashley tries to read into what was really happening beneath the surface.

At the back of a closet, in a cardboard box, writer Tina Horn’s diaries gather dust. In the box there are girlhood diaries covered in collages of unicorns, dragons and David Duchovny. There are mixtapes with fat multicolored glitter and there are simple, spiral bound notebooks filled with obscenities. This episode is part of the Diaries mini season and was written by Tina Horn. Tina is a Lambda Literary Fellow and the recipient of two Feminist Porn Awards. Check out Tina’s podcast and more.

Writer Molly Osberg has carried her journals to every house she’s lived in since 2007. They’re decorated with pictures of her and her friends’ faces smooshed together, one friend in particular; Amelia. Molly and Amelia met in detention and were inseparable for most of high school. Together they learned how to become the people that they are today. This episode is part of the Diaries mini season, and was written by Molly Osberg. Special thanks to Allen Watts, John Walker and Amelia.

Sophie Townsend has been a widow for a year and a half. She is too busy taking care of her children to entertain the idea of dating, until a man compliments her shoes. Voicing by Andy Leonard. Produced by CBC’s Love Me with Sophie Townsend.

A conversation between mother, Sophie Townsend and daughter, Anna about Mr. Fix-it, husband and father. Produced by Sophie Townsend and Marty Peralta for The Hearsay International Audio Festival.

Episode four of Silent Evidence; one woman’s story of childhood sexual abuse. In the final episode of the Silent Evidence mini-season, Kaitlin and Tennessee sit down and talk about what happened and didn’t happen in the last three episodes. Discussion topics in this episode: Dr. Youssefi, Restorative Justice, Being in Crisis, & Silence. Find out more aboutSilent Evidence. Produced by Tennessee Watson and Kaitlin Prest with The Heart. Editing by Sharon Mashihi and Mitra Kaboli. Assistant Production by Ashley Cortez. This project was made possible with funding from the IWMF Howard G. Buffett Fund for Women Journalists.

Episode three of Silent Evidence; one woman’s story of childhood sexual abuse. In episode three, a court case unfolds. Tennessee decides to call the cops and tell them about what happened with Dr. Youseffi. Detective Kimberly Norton picks Tennessee up at the airport in Virginia so she can file an official report. What Tennessee and Detective Norton discover is that Tennessee is not alone. Four women come forward, in three different counties. Only one prosecutor picks up the case. Find out more about Silent Evidence. Produced by Tennessee Watson and Kaitlin Prest with The Heart. Editing by Sharon Mashihi and Mitra Kaboli. Additional help reporting by Jocelyn Frank. Assistant Production by Ashley Cortez. Editorial advising by Pejk Malinovski. Music by Matthew Daher. This project was made possible with funding from the IWMF Howard G. Buffett Fund for Women Journalists.

Episode two of Silent Evidence; one woman’s story of childhood sexual abuse. In Episode two, Tennessee tries to reconcile with the abuse that she suffered. From performance art to installations to hair-brained schemes, Tennessee feels a little better every time she asks people to listen to her story. However, she has underestimated Dr. Youseffi’s impact on her life. She decides to confront him at the gym. Find out more about Silent Evidence here. Produced by Tennessee Watson and Kaitlin Prest with The Heart. Editing by Sharon Mashihi. This project was made possible with funding from the IWMF Howard Buffett Fund for Women Journalists.

Episode one of Silent Evidence; one woman’s story of childhood sexual abuse. Tennessee Watson is a documentarian and artist who has been struggling to speak out about something that happened to her when she was a kid, something that she knew was wrong. When Tennessee was seven her gymnastics coach fondled her vulva. In part one of Silent Evidence, Tennessee takes us in and out of her memories, from childhood to adolescence as she comes to terms with what happened to her and finally revisiting the gym where she was abused. Find out more about Silent Evidence here. Produced by Tennessee Watson and Kaitlin Prest, with The Heart. Editing by Sharon Mashihi. This project was made possible with funding from the IWMF Howard Buffett Fund for Women Journalists.

Based on the 2015 essay from The Big Roundtable, writer Mariya Karimjee takes us on a journey from her childhood in Pakistan, to her adolescence in Texas, through college, all the way to where she is now, back in Pakistan as she navigates family, love, her body and her personal relationships, all despite the physical and emotional trauma that she has suffered. Mariya Karimjee is a writer based in Karachi, Pakistan. Read her original essay here. Editorial support from Brendan Baker, Allen Watts, Kelsey Padgett, Samara Breger and Nadia Bajwa. Additional support from Kari June. Another version of this story can be heard on This American Life.

We end our series with a final ghost; it’s you. Every time I hear that song, you’re next to me. Whether I like it or not. In a cafe, in my bedroom, when I watch that stupid vampire series. The ache pains me but what’s worse is knowing that some day, maybe not too long from now, the pain will go away. Special thanks to Damien Luxe who voiced this story for us.

Kari is nothing like the actresses in the scenes that she films. She’s tall, robust, the kind of girl who can pick up a camera and take it where it needs to go. Violet, on the other hand, is petite and soft. She’s got a body that’s made for the kind of sex you see in porn. Kari knows first hand because Kari is the camera operator for Violet’s porn shoots. But the scene that looms largest in Kari’s head was one she didn’t film. It’s Violet’s scene with Brian, Kari’s current boyfriend, Violet’s ex. Violet was Brian’s big love and Kari is nothing like her.

Does love ever really die? Even though Kaitlin has a beautiful boyfriend she still hears the ghost of those she once loved ring in her ears. But, there’s another ghost in her life; her boyfriend’s current love. This ghost disturbs her. It angers her. It brings out a side of her that she wishes would go away. Produced for Falling Tree Productions, as heard on BBC’s Between the Essays series with editing by Sharon Mashihi.

Powerful memories are like paused tapes in our minds – a hum barely heard beneath the noise of our everyday – ready to be played at any moment. This audio fiction explores the process of falling in love with someone, fading away and eventually discovering all that you have left of them is a memory. Carter, our narrator, is on a present-day first date with Frankie but is distracted by memories of past lover, Alex, which play like a tape in his head. But with each replaying, the tapes seem to have warped, or maybe Carter has. Produced by Dane Stewart, Katie Hill, Matthew Kariatsumari and Michelle Macklem. Special thanks to Renée Hodgins, Emily Skahan and Mira Burt-Wintonick.

A personal account of the haunting absence of a lost love. This is a story about grief, loss and reaching for freedom. The sense of emptiness that comes after saying, I love you, every day until, suddenly, you don’t. But the love is never truly gone. It’s with you always, leaning over your shoulder as you rediscover a world in which it no longer exists. This episode was originally produced for The Hearsay Audio Festival. Special thanks to Kelsey Padgett, A.C. Valdez and Allen Watts.

At the beginning of a relationship, the small decisions feel like big decisions: When to text? What to wear on the second date? How naked to get. For Samara and Kelsey, the first decisions were a bit bigger. When Samara’s dad was hospitalized for a mysterious, dangerous illness, Kelsey decided to move in with Samara and spend every night at the hospital with her and her family. As the two fell in love within the cold, stale confines of the hospital, a new decision appeared on the horizon: Would they keep loving each other when things were okay? Or did they need chaos and tragedy to keep them going?

You’ve got a squeeze on Christmas Eve? You know you’ll have their lovin’ — but what about ol’ Mrs. Claus? Her man’s out — she’s got nuffin! In our retelling of “The Night Before Christmas,” join lonely Mrs. Claus as she searches for affection in the most unlikely of places.

Idiot + Dummy met where many boneheads meet: in grad school. One night, they ran into each other on the subway. The two are alike in a lot of ways. They both stay up late, go to punk shows and raves, do drugs, and have sex — lots and lots of sex. As the two get closer, commitment and monogamy become harder and harder to negotiate. Idiot flees from her true feelings as she gets blindsided by a Dummy. Written & produced by Julia Alsop in collaboration with The Heart. Voice Acting by Brian Dolphin, Julia Alsop, Jenn Custard & Sophie Traub. Special thanks to Allen Watts, Max Pearl, Pizza Haus & the original “Dummy.”

Desiray felt a deep, human connection the moment she first heard his voice: Aaron Carter spoke to her through his music. When Desiray was down, Aaron always cheered her up. When she needed him, his music was always there. And when they finally met, it was almost as if Aaron could read her mind. Maybe the deep, human connection Desiray felt as a kid was real. Dozens of concerts later, Desiray and Aaron are almost friends — almost. Now Desiray wonders: “Can a fan ever be a true friend?” Does Aaron value her as a friend, or as a fan? And if she’s just a fan like any other, can she live with it? This story was produced by Galen Koch in collaboration with The Heart. Special thanks to Kelsey Padgett, Justine Champine, Desiray Roy, and Aaron Carter.

Vibrators have been the friend of the female orgasm for over a century now. Back in the 1800s you could only get access to one via a doctor’s appointment. To cure your irrational woman feelings, hysteria. When they started selling them for home use in the 20th century, companies made up weird, fake uses for them; nail buffing tools,special attachments for vacuum cleaners, etc. One very popular way to market the vibrator was to call it a back massager. Probably thousands of different vibrator have come and gone but there is one that has outlasted them all and maybe will go on into the future as the queen of vibrators: The Hitachi Magic Wand.