Can Elephants Jump?

We find out who would win a hypothetical battle of the ages, plus, the latest and most certainly breakiest headlines this side of the European scandal. Without us, how else would you know about onety-one, how to extract oil from a baby and Theresa May's preserve technique? You wouldn't, because you heard it here first. …Wait, did you see that? Of course you didn't, no-one sees Speeding Johnson.