Delight Your Marriage

Since Thanksgiving is coming up and we’re around people we love, but sometimes have strained relationships. We wanted to repost this episode so you can apply it to your family relationships and your spouse.  We love you and wish you a peaceful and grateful-filled Thanksgiving!! … Sometimes we look at our blowups and wonder -- how did we even get here?  How did a wrong turn, an unpaid bill, an unwashed dish, or a burnt potholder... turn into World War III? What happened here? And why is this kind of nonsense tearing our family apart at its foundations? It's because you're not really fighting about a potholder.  You're fighting about all the unmet expectations from the years and years of pain you've experienced. And so is your spouse.  How do you get out of this cycle?  And more important: what does Jesus require of you in this cycle?  What does it matter in eternity whether or not you succumb to these kinds of blow ups? Well, my goal is to give you a bit of fear of the Lord to decide you are going to be a real

Often preparing for Thanksgiving is the real STRESS. So -- guess what!? Make love now, so you have a connected, peaceful, and truly enjoyable Thanksgiving next week. ... Duty sex…this is such a huge challenge for SO many couples - on both sides of the aisle!   Husbands and wives, how does our personal approach to sexual intimacy affect our spouse?    Does sexual intimacy within our marriage lead us toward one another or away from one another?   And if it often or sometimes leads us away from each other, is that our Creator’s intention? How do we fix this? Can it be fixed?   The fact of the matter is, the answers to these questions can be hard to come by! There just isn’t a lot of guidance out there for couples who want a God-honoring sexual relationship in their marriage!    If sexual intimacy is a gift from our Creator - and we know that ALL of His gifts are good - then why is this area of our lives so often filled with hurt and pain?   Does it really matter whose fault it is? Playing the blame game doesn’t

(Alliteration is such a... joy--isn't it? :) Hoping that gave you a needed chuckle...   But seriously... Mick's story is GREAT! He is a dynamic, charismatic, and tell-it-straight kinda guy. When his marriage was shallow in terms of connection, emotionally and intimately, he jumped at an opportunity that seemed on target.  Well, the MAIN change was his heart. He shares some particulars on why that was so vital in the outward changes of his marriage. But, he began to realize who God actually is calling him to be as a husband. So... with lots of smiling he shared that they enjoyed (like never before...ever) "full-blown, wholehearted sexual intimacy...truly unbelievable." Mick's transformation is truly awesome. But he really took responsibility. He wasn't interested in waiting to see what happens in his marriage. He was ready to do the work and take 100% responsibility AND accountability for himself. His heart…his change…his commitment to Christ, and then…living it out in his marriage.   Is there hope for you?  Y

If you've ever seen a headline (one of mine or someone else's), "They did [this] and got [this]" you may have experienced a "transactional trigger".  My motivation is to attract people who need transformation in their marriages.  What I call "missional marketing", some may call "bait and switch", which is kind of true, too. You may be someone who came for a certain outcome, but you listened and found out that to get that [thing], you have to change who you are - including your motivations. For many, it works (by God's grace).  But, initially, it may have triggered transactional thinking for you.  This can lead you to believe that you’re guaranteed a certain result if you do [X] for your spouse.    Here's what I hope for you.  I hope that you'll start your journey with an expectation of an incredible marriage and sex life and end your journey with a completely different set of motivations: to love your spouse the way Jesus loves them. Unconditionally.  Whether they do X or not, you get to love them the way Jes

I used to think I only respected someone if they deserved it. Whether that was my husband or the young adults I worked with. Which meant I didn't treat them with respect. Maybe not blatant disrespect as I saw it. But more neutral. Though I have come to find out "neutral" is generally not good. My natural tendency if I don't have the correct heart (that God created everyone and they should be treated with respect) is being mean. Maybe it's our human nature? Anyway, what I discovered is if I'm trying to tell my husband what's best for him, how he should improve, or what to do... He's busy being mad at me rather than listening to the Holy Spirit and discovering his own journey to growth.    (We want our husbands to be the spiritual leaders right? Then we've gotta stop being their spiritual leader.   ​​And give them the space and support and encouragement to do it for themselves.)   But he was so untrustworthy. Inconsistent. Unhelpful. Unreliable. Irresponsible. And worse...   I was doing everything and unless I

When I look back on my life — when I see what is currently unseen — when I see Jesus face to face — when all has been revealed… I am convinced I will be BLOWN AWAY by the love I never realized He truly had for me.  In the Bible, it says that God feeds the birds. (Mt 6:26) He FEEDS the birds.    I was observing birds yesterday in the park.  There are tons of them, flitting around, this way and that.  And yet the God of the universe cares about His creation, so much so, that He Himself feeds the birds!    He is intimately aware of your life and what you’re going through.  And He is feeding you. He is clothing you. He is giving you far more than just that. He wants you to realize that in every good AND in every suffering, He remains good.  There is SO much you (and I) cannot see.  He allows suffering for His reasons only He can see. But when you trust this truth that He is the one that gives everything that is right in your life — it allows you to see the suffering better. You can endure the suffering with a pea

Do you feel broken? Dirty? Ashamed? These are all normal feelings for a victim of sexual trauma.    Do you know what feelings Lisa now has? Freedom. Confidence. Trust. One in four, or even one in three women, have been victims of sexual abuse.  One in six men have been.    So, many of us need the HOPE for healing Lisa gives us.  Was it instant? Was it easy to confront? Was it comfortable to start this process? No.   She had to have courage to get out and join a healing process to get to the other side where God ultimately wanted her to be.    You will love her story and the encouragements she gives.  Especially the one and most important thing that she wants you to know, if you've been abused.    Love & Blessings, Belah   PS - If you'd like to get "vision", the opportunity for "intention" and the "means" to transformation (as Dallas Willard says)... I invite you to sign up for a Clarity Call. You'll work with a Clarity Advisor to discern that vision. delightyourmarriage.com/cc Looking forward to seeing ho

"Betrayal to a marriage is what dynamite is to a door" says Gary Thomas. Obliterating all trust, safety, dreams... Could there be hope? Could there be restoration? And... How could this have been prevented?    This is what we discuss on today's episode.    If these are your questions, Gary gives a lot of insight I think you'll want to listen in to. What can you do as a couple to right the ship? What can you as a couple do to come together and see how to build your marriage with strength and solidness -- keeping any explosives far, far away.  Check out Gary's work and his new book at garythomas.com -- (also he has many other books that you'll want to check out!) Love & Blessings, Belah   PS -- We'd love to help you heal your marriage no matter what the issue is, and if you're looking for a program to come alongside other men and/or women, I invite you to go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc to speak to a Clarity Advisor to see how we can support you.    PPS -- A recent grad wrote: "Massively improved our marr

Are you getting close to marriage and the looming thought of a healthy sex life gives anxiety? I invite you to listen in to these two women who were virgins when they got engaged (one is now married) and hear how they processed through the anxiety.  And now on the other side of the program, they have a confidence and a relaxed sense around something that used to be very difficult to even think about.    Maybe you or someone you know needs insights around marriage and intimacy before they start this journey.    I hope this conversation blesses and encourages you! Belah   PS -- If you want to see how we can serve you in your particular situation, sign up for a Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc     PPS - A woman in the Delighted Wife program shared this recently:  This programme is Christ-centred, led by an amazing loving, wise, compassionate, trustworthy team. They have all 'been there' in marriage challenges themselves so speak with humility and empathy. There's lots of laughter too which is so good.

Enrollment for the program closes tonight, Masculinity Reclaimed delightyourmarriage.com/minvite ----- Today's podcast episode... If perverted masculinity is overly aggressive or on the other side, overly passive... what is it actually SUPPOSED to look like?  What is a strong man?  What is a true man of God? What is the masculinity God desires of you?   That's the topic Kyle and I discuss today. Lots of really fresh ideas, insights, frameworks, and also very, very old ways of viewing the nature of how God designed men.  Kyle is super -- you're going to love his insights and heart after the Lord.  Gosh, I'm excited for you to hear what it's all about!   If you've been praying about our 3-month program, Masculinity Reclaimed... the program CLOSES TONIGHT, if you'd like to join, now is your time...  delightyourmarriage.com/minvite

Wow -- God is so good. Men are joining the 3-month program Masculinity Reclaimed because they're ready to become the men that God has called them to be (and as it turns out... that is very attractive to their wives... the results are intimate, as you'll hear.) I want you to listen to these transformation stories (several shortened stories that haven't been on the podcast before, so you can hear what God is doing!) If you're ready to take the leap and say I am going to risk the money and invest the time and effort for the next 3 months to see the results that God is clearly doing in others' lives and marriages  I invite you to check out all the details and register here. delightyourmarriage.com/minvite   Prayers of hope for you, Belah & Delight Your Marriage team   PS -- If you are moved at all by these transformations, I encourage you to check out the details here. delightyourmarriage.com/minvite

Is Jesus the Lord of your life in EVERY area?  Are you trusting God in everything except your marriage?  Are you saying, "Yes, I will follow," but then when Jesus says to sacrifice for your spouse, that's where you draw the line to do it your own way? Is your emotional intimacy with your spouse in God's hands? Is your spiritual intimacy with your spouse in God's hands? Is your physical intimacy with your spouse in God's hands?   Or, have you decided (like I too often do, sadly) "God, in this area, I can do it my way"?   God is really interested in your marriage. Your spouse is the closest relationship to you. Whom you can influence the most -- and they influence you the most.   So... if you decide to do marriage your own way, that's a big deal.   I was recently reminded that when I don't TRUST God, I suffer... often, unnecessarily.    When I don't trust God, and I try to do it my own way...the work that God was in the middle of doing -- behind the scenes -- I can ROYALLY mess up!  The lesson I invite you to l

**Masculinity Reclaimed: Foundations course is starting Monday, September 12, 2022 -- it's on-demand training but will only be available for about a week, so register now: delightyourmarriage.com/menstraining** -- I've been posting a lot of resources for men, so this one is for the ladies (and the curious men :) I used to be very confused on what my husband needed from me. A lot of women that I have worked with feel like it comes down to a clean house, hot meals and happy kids.  And when that's enough for him, it feels very unfair. That she is doing ALL of this and he's still grumpy and unsatisfied.  She may even have intimacy as a part of their lives, but he still doesn't seem to care.  What is missing?  Well, it took a while, but by God's grace through trial and error, learning from mentors, books and courses... now I'm at a spot where I can give you the keys I wish I had!  And I made it into a handy acronym so it's easy to remember: RAWS.    Super simple. But, not easy.   See that's God kindness. I've noti

(My boys make an audio appearance on today's episode). I thought it was appropriate because Robert and I both got choked up towards the end of this interview -- you'll hear why.  Robert has more kids than me. Not 2, 3, 4 or 5... He has 7. Robert also has about 7 times more energy than I do. Which is why I'd like him to write a book. (Please, Robert, we all need it.)   His wife was actually the one who invited him to Delight Your Marriage. And felt sure he would learn what he needed for her.    And... I have got to hand it to her :) I think she was right! But I also have to hand it to Robert, because he totally humbled himself, did the work. Changed himself -- and God did beautiful things in their marriage! I can't wait for you to listen in to their story!  If you're a husband -- he gives tons of ideas and thoughts about what you can do to change things.    He started his journey with the free training, that we're offering just around the corner -- September 12, 2022. You'll need to be signed up -- you can do

From a past of pain and hurt Reed realized he needed healing. His first wife left him after twenty years. He then found out that she had had several extramarital affairs.  Completely devastating. And left him with 5 kids to raise on his own.  Now, God be praised. He is remarried -- his wife is utterly wonderful. They had a really good marriage. But he realized, the areas of his marriage that were not fully there around intimacy had to do with his woundedness from the past.  He is in full-time ministry and heard God encourage him to take the program for himself. Not for others -- but he needed healing.  And as he did the work of the program, his heart healed and his marriage did to -- in the ways he didn't even realize it was lacking.  I want to share his story because -- you might be like Reed.  Maybe you've done the right things for a LONG time... and you are hurt. And you are wounded. And you have rightfully, steadfastly done the good work. And yet... And yet...  I want you to have hope through Reed's story

An episode for a struggling husband -- or his wife.  To give you hope.  See, if you don't know what is the root of a behavior it's very hard to "white knuckle" yourself out of the behavior.  Therapist Sam Tielemans specializes in helping couples who have suffered through the pain of porn addiction.  He gives the specific reasons he sees over and over again at his practice (in Las Vegas of all places!) what is at the root of the porn addiction.  Why does he keep going back?  Why is he overwhelmed by shame but can't seem to stop? And for the wife, how can she find healing in this? Could she understand this addiction to see that the behavior is covering up the pain? Should she have boundaries, and what should those be (we touch lightly on this -- there's a lot more depth we'll go into in the ladies program -- if you're interested, go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc so we can support you).   For the man listening, Jesus took your sin. If you accept his sacrifice -- you are clean. Whiter than snow. As though it neve

We invite you to listen in to Jameson's story. Jameson participated in the free MR Foundations course that we offered in March 2022, and then decided to enroll in the full Masculinity Reclaimed course. (We're offering the free course very soon for a very limited time - Sept. 12th! Sign up here!)  Having a good marriage, but wanting to take it to the next level, he learned of the free course and signed up for it. One of the first lessons in the free course "wrecked me," Jameson said. He realized that he had more work to do on himself than he had realized. The deep reflection caused him to see things that he couldn't see before. Another cool thing Jameson shared as an unexpected, but also "biggest game changer" result of him taking the Masculinity Reclaimed course, "was me growing with God." "I wish I could make everyone take the course." ~Jameson One important thing to remember about Jameson is that his wife joined the women’s program AFTER he did the work on himself. She was incredibly impressed with the resu

The FREE Masculinity Reclaimed Foundations training is back for the last time this year. If you missed it previously, join on September 12 -- sign up at delightyourmarriage.com/menstraining --  First of all. I'd like to tell you that I'm right in all that I do.  In fact, I'd like to say that I'm right... all the time.  I'd also like to tell you that I'm right even when others think I'm wrong. I'd especially like to tell you that I'm right when other people think I'm right. (I mean, isn't that extra confirmation that I am definitely right...?)   So, the truth is... [I have] become like something unclean, and all [my] righteous acts are like filthy rags (Is 64:6).   Even the things I think I did that are right... are filthy.  Even the things you think I did that were right... are filthy.    Oh, but then the things I did that were wrong! (The things I am sure were wrong... eek!)    I hope you see where I'm going with all of this.  You're in the same sad boat that I am.    And... it's sinking.    Seriously. Can y

Alternate Title: 7 Steps to a Productive Disagreement -- Arguing. Ugh. It's so... so... unhelpful. When have you left an argument where the dust has settled and you felt 100% good with everything you said -- your eyes, your words, your tones...? Everything.  In fact, how would you feel if your church congregation watched what you said and did?  Would you be proud of yourself?  Would you feel small and immature? Usually, after an argument, I only feel the latter.   To clarify, what I mean by arguing is having elevated emotions when we start using a stronger voice and intense words.  Essentially, the judging/reasoning/impulse-control part of our brains (pre-frontal cortex) goes offline during that stressful conversation and we're left with the "lizard brain" which only knows how to flight, fight, or freeze. All the wisdom that we have cultivated throughout all of our lives and have prayed for and read about, goes out of the window during an argument.  We say things we don't mean and throw verbal knives at each

Encouraging believers is a very biblical concept in the New Testament.  I want to encourage you in this episode.  I am praying for several people through this episode: 7:00 - invitation prayer 8:30 - prayer for men who feel like they're not leaders in their home 12:28 - men who are receiving frequency in intimacy, but it feels like a duty from their wife 14:30 - men who don't have frequency in intimacy and lack joy in their marriage 17:00 - women who have a critical and judgmental husband 19:45 - women who want to find pleasure and desire 23:30 - churches and ministries and pastors who would have courage to address the hard issues around sex, sin, desire, & God-designed passion May God give you grace and strength and encouragement - wherever you are in this mix. Or, if you want to agree and pray with me on these topics.   Love & Blessings, Belah   PS We're here to bring hope and help in all these areas of your marriage...we invite you to schedule a Clarity Call to see if we can help you. *"I speak the