Every Iain Lee Absolute Radio Show

Apparently EU law stated Iain had to allow girls to call in from now on and he looks for the Top Ten Songs With Spoken Word Sections.  He asks about pets with missing parts and plays Mallett's Mallet against Ben Jones.

Eloise forced to be at home tonight (or on holiday, or just not on mic) so forced to join twitter and make her first tweet.  Iain has a No Girls Show, plays Word Disassociation and admits driving in his nightie (wee willy winkie thing).

Iain reveals his Celebrity snog USED to be Sarah Beeny - until Fandango found out he was going to work with her and made him change it!  Eloise reveals her's is the egg shaped headed Ross Kemp and later get's herself banned from the Iain Lee Show by leaving ten minutes early - or she was going on holiday, who can tell.

Covering for Geoff Lloyd again today, otherwise it DEFINITELY would have been Iain announcing Michael Jackson at the O2 concerts, not Dermot.  Being a man, Iain installed a washing machine today and does Chinese burns with Ben Jones.  Alan Caddick owns the show and a topic is Things You've Been Barred From - Iain's was Boderline Club while Eloise got booted out of Brownies - shocking!

How much to strip is discussed tonight and while Eloise is quite realistic with £10k, Davis is delusional with his price.  Loads of cock swinging this week with the alpha males Iain and Ben Jones competing in a series of challenges - today's was dead arms - one of them hit like a girl.

Iain and Eloise discover the "Iain Lee's Eloise Appreciation Society" group on Facebook and are amused to find it has 28 members!  I requested to join on the 9th of February 2017 but it had dropped to 1 member by then!  Iain is thinking of going to see Michael Jackson at the O2 in four months times - what could go wrong?  Topics include Hindi Songs, Tache or No Tache, and Bowie Impressions.

Tonight Iain remembers Forgotten Pop Pinups (Wendy James being my personal favourite) and has bought a VW Polo.  The lead singer of Elbow, GUY GARVEY (PL) gives a good interview, Alan Caddick takes massive umbrage with the town of Oxford after they cheated on University Challenge and Iain was in the 'Spotted' section in Heat Magazine, sweating in a spinning class.

Iain interviews JARROD CHRISTMAS (SL) where they talk about the sitcom they are filming together, in which one plays an Australian and the other plays a knob.  Professor Joe Lathems, the UFO expert talks dogging with Barry from Watford.  Micro celebrities are discussed and Iain has sideburns or Sidneys envy.

Iain does a live director's commentary on Twitter tonight and gets a free Wii on air.  Speaking of gaming, we find out the Lee's RockBand group name is The Bombs (see nicknames episode).  I've written Canadian Fruitbowl on the twitter feed and have no idea why.  Iain also plays menu Guess Who, but can't remember what a turbot is.  This is also the show where Vinny thinks a Menage a Trois is a type of dog!

Bit of a disturbing show for Iain tonight as he finds out the truth about sphincters and what happens during childbirth - all I'll say are Ripping and broken bumholes.  We find out Iain has had his first Subway butty today, his catflap is 19 by 23cm and Tim Shaw is known as Nick Shaw to his biggest fans.

A young barrowgirl by the name of Eloise Carr joins Iain for the first time tonight and quickly settles into the wang chung / breakfast lunch and dinner of things.  CHRISTIAN LEE is in the studio (SL) to do some magic, as is a young lad called Luke (G-man innit I think).  The topics include monkey films and a 41 second Pradeep occurs.

Two Topic Special tonight and Iain sings Happy Birthday to Alan Caddick.  Iain doesn't haggle very well, finds his new favourite tv channel is Movies for Men 2 +1 and he's watching World at War boxset.  The fantastic BRUCE CAMPBELL interviewed (SPR).

Quite a busy show today.  Alan Caddick and Mr Naughty have a set to at the start of the show, closely followed by Conman Joe and Hugo Peters having words - angry start!  Iain gets callers on to play Child Top Trumps and Iain has to stay late as John Osborne is delayed in snow - even with Iain's directions past knocking shops.  Being a more innocent time, Iain tells how he's on twitter now and has 850 followers! Iain ruins Sixth Sense for some and doesn't like tattoos.

Want to know the heart and inner turmoil of an angst-ridden 15 year old Iain Lee?  Well this show was is the place to do it, when Iain reveals the song lyrics book he wrote in his youth.  Gems such as 'It Took So Long', Astor Apartments and many more see the light of day!  "These are some words that I scribbled down, as I look out to sea, waiting for my train"; "I used to be King ... and I'm having and I'm having a hell of a time, just trying to keep my mind".  (And he's always mocked my poems!). Bernard and Nigel, two contestants from Come Dine With Me are on the phone.

Iain brings culture to the heathens by using classical music as beds.  The show creates The Iain Lee Phonetic Alaphabet (see @iainleequotes on twitter, look under media).  Darkbreath gets her name but the truth of her real darkside doesn't come out just yet!

Iain shows he has a Chris Morris kind of mind, when he gives an analogy of something cruel as "it's like when they get a 3 legged dog to run in circles and throw biscuits at it's eyes".  Polystyrene Berlin Wall confusion, 'Butchering The Beatles' cd, rock memorabilia (Iain has a cheque of Brian Wilson) and the comedy guru LOGAN MURRAY interview. (PL)

Iain is all giddy because he went to see Steve Guttenberg in panto and the Gute said Iain's name twice on stage!  He hosts the alternative New Years Honours List, hears from Smudge the Gritter, reveals he 'starred' in a film called 'Do Elephants Pray?' that will come out one day and the phrase frozen serpentine gets mentoned a lot - mostly by Gary from Catford (not officially Gatford yet - long time away)

Iain decides the last show of the year should be the 52 scrag end topics he has left over.  He wonders if the show is too blokey, asks if you have ever chatted up a homeless and plays the answerphone messages, which a pissed up Rob Burnett has left a lot of.  Oh, and Alan from Glasgow needs sexual healing but probably a cream rather than Marvin Gaye.

Iain shows his feminist side by apologising on behalf of Rob for referring to his "bit of skirt as a bird".  Iain finds a song better than Good Vibrations, called Isn't It Time by The Babys, he conducts a listener version of Band Aid and CONTRACT BEEN RENEWED!

Iain gets an early Christmas present by interviewing DAVY JONES of the Monkees.  He tries to find 101 different ways of saying cheers but ONLY gets to 23.  It is Davis' birthday so Iain buys him a copy of Club magazine to "have one" on him, describes Super Soccer Double Football and annoying Morim Dog calls in.