When Harry Met Fatty

Dave and Noah abstain from using their brains during this week's rom-com 40 Days and 40 Nights, starring Josh Hartnett, Shannon Sossamon and Maggie Gyllenhaal.  This is the 2nd installment of our annual summer series Fatty Goes Local!! This week we put on our "heartlights" for St. Paul, Minnesota's hunk-a-saurus honkey Josh Hartnett. Ever since he's learned that his recent ex-Noxzema model of a girlfriend is engaged to be married to an even bigger douche, our boy Hartnett finds it hard to enjoy all the biore strip models he's taking to hump mountin'. He gives up all sex (including masturbation) for 40 days.  But like the Klingons say, abstinence is a dish best served while wearing a Hartnett! Dave has an aneurysm over Hartnett's choice in star-humpery.  Noah dishes some super outdated gossip on the man whose harbored many a pearl with his lucky number sleven.

Fatty goes local!  Dave and Noah take a staycation and visit New Ulm, MN for this week's movie New in Town starring Renee Zellweger, Harry Connick Jr., and every extra that was passed over for the Cohen Brothers' Fargo. Zellweger is a Miami hotshot clawing her way up the corporate ladder. She is assigned to downsize a plant in New Ulm, MN. This is a town full of secrets, most of which involve Blanche Gunderson's mysteriously tasty batch of tapioca pudding. It's like Fried Green Tomatoes, but without the Southern heat, Klu Klux Klan and charmingly implied cannibalism. The town fireman kindles a fire in Zellweger's squinty, squinty eyes, but he's a country boy and she's a Cosmo-terian. How will they ever see eye to eye?  The secret's in the tapioca! Dave goes local with his palette cleanser and gets a history lesson on the Dakota War of 1862. In keeping with the way Renee Zellweger prepared for Bridget Jones' Diary, Noah put on 20 lbs for this episode! 

There is no dave, only Noaaaaahhhh! Noah gets the best crack in town from a moose. He then reads from the scripture of last week's double issue of Entertainment Weekly. 

Dave and Noah break out the calamine lotion for this week's rash from the past, The Seven Year Itch starring Marilyn Monroe and Tom Ewell.  Ewell is a middle-aged New York publishing exec with an overactive imagination.  Having just sent his wife and kid away for the Summer, he comes home to find a pinup-girl-turned-Toothpaste-model renting the space above his place.  He's got the only air conditioner in existence and she's gotta lotta heat.  A chance encounter involving a tomato plant brings her downstairs, with a bottle of bubbly and a hankering for a ride on his amazing baby grand piano bench. We all spend the rest of this flick watching Marilyn Monroe get blown.  By air.  Various, random gusts of air.  Because if Tom Ewell won't make a move, nature will.  Nature always finds a way.  Dave talks about how Marilyn reminds him of his grandma and Noah invents a new term called "The Subway Bidet".  Move over Jared! 

Dave and Noah get KRAKEN on this week's Greasy Rom Com My Life in Ruins, Staring Nia Vardalos, Alexis Georgoulis, Richard Dreyfuss and the ancient ruins of the ACRAPolis! Nia Vardalos is praying to the wrong Gods.  After her main man dumps her and she gets laid off from being a professor of Greek History, she is doomed to a lifetime of giving tours of the ancient land that has broken her spirit.  But a mysterious new driver is willing to teach her a thing or two about how to get her own ancient ruins back up and ruining! And Richard Dreyfuss tags along to provide some much needed mirth that doesn't involve alien encounters, 20 foot sharks or a great american opus. Dave tells a tale of a tour that involved South African Graveyard hijinks.  Noah remembers how he once thought that working next to the Grand Canyon might make him look thinner.

Dave and Noah get "spirit-fingered" by this week's romantic comedy Fired Up! Starring Nicholas D'Agosto, Eric Christian Olsen and Sarah Roemer. Eric and Nicholas are two high school football jocks who con their way into Cheerleader Camp for the girls, for the glory and for the gonorrhea! Dave has eaten his cheerios and is filled with the spirit of the mighty pom-pom while Noah quizes him on his knowledge of Cheer history.  

No Dave.  Noah drinks and podcasts from his closet, then loses his "shirtless virginity" with a panda-shaped man. 

Dave and Noah duck and cover under their nearest apocalyptic Rom Com: Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, starring Steve Carell and Kiera Knightly. It is the year 2021 and humanity is about to go the way of the dinosaur. In 21 days asteroid "Matilda" will hit earth.  Applebees restaurants are offering skinny margaritas along with their ecstacy laced orgies, Patton Oswalt is trying heroin and getting tail left and right and Steve Carell's wife has just run out on him.  He helps his neighbor, Kiera Knightly, find a way back to her family in exchange for her help in finding his first ex-girlfriend, the "initial one who got away". Along the way they discover that the end of the world is just the beginning...of their true heart's desire!  Noah puts Dave in the Chuck Klosterman Closet and makes him answer hypothetical questions. Dave says goodbye to Dunder Mifflin. 

She could never be your woman but she'll always be Catwoman. Dave and Noah take a break from doing The Batdance and sit down to watch Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd do what only Ashton and Demi could pull off: Spring-Autumn relations.  2007's I Could Never Be Your Woman begins with a period. Michelle Pfeiffer's daughter is well on her way into womanhood while Michelle herself is slowly exiting through the gift shop. She is a writer for a teen show called You Go Girl who can't get over the former love of her life, played by Jon Lovitz, a man who left Catwoman for a kitten. Paul Rudd joins the cast of You Go Girl, and charms his way into Pfeiffer's ancient kitty-liter box of a heart.  But loving Paul Rudd is not easy, especially when you have Tracey Ullman playing Mother Nature, reminding you that 1999 called and it wants you to check the expiration date on your uterus.  Dave and Noah earn the Boy Scout grey badge.  Come hear their tales of how they both had once fallen and couldn't get up from the clutches o

Good Morning Fatty Listener.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves two stars, one past their prime and the other playing essentially their own batty self (you discern which is which). You may have seen this movie before, since it involves a secret agent trying to woo a vapid blonde in exotic locales such as Salzburg, Austria and the Witchita International Airport. Knight and Day (2010) stars Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. You have 23 minutes to complete this mission, and as always should any member of your team be caught or killed the Podfather Ira Glass will disavow all knowledge of your actions. This message will self-destruct in five megabytes.  Dave and Noah board the Cam Dizzy Tom Cruise and set sail for intrigue!  Noah plays Truth or False with Dave regarding Katie Holmes' ex-hubby and Dave finally finds the love of a lifetime, a love to last his whole life through. Spoiler alert, it's C.I.A Oprah. 

When Dave is away, all Bette's are off! Lifes a Beach and then you fallow. 

Larry Crowne once caught a fish "thiiiiiissss biiiiiig"!  This week Noah merMAKEs Dave watch Splash!...and we aren't talking about the reality TV game show on FOX.  We're talkin' Tom Hanks, John Candy, Eugene Levy, and a Mermaid Darryl Hannah that, from the look of her "bocci balls (!)", isn't so little! This is one dilly of a sea pickle.  Throughout his life, Tom Hanks has never learned how to swim and he keeps falling overboard and getting rescued by a mysterious naked Darryl Hannnah who lives off the shore of Cape Cod.  After one of his more recent near drownings, he loses his wallet and she claims it, using it as her guide to find his apartment in New York City. Turns out she's a mythical Mermaid on Mermaid Rumspringa and she has only six days to decide whether to return to her life of Cape Cod underwater lifeguarding or become a bonafide bloomingdale's bedecked landlubber. Explaining all this to Hanks, whilst simultaneously knocking booty with him is complicated, to say the least.  However, Eugene Levy i

Dullness hath no fury like a Weather Girl scorned! Dave and Noah take cover from 2009's Weather Girl, starring Tricia O'Kelley and Patrick J. Adams. After having a meltdown on air that goes viral, Seattle's former morning news weather girl has to move in with her brother to "weather the storm" of a bad breakup. She falls for her brother's best friend, who lives in the apartment next door. However, he is six years her Thirty-five year old junior.  A fish and a bird can fall in love, but where will they build their nest? Since its Seattle, it probably doesn't matter, since its always partly cloudy with a million percent chance of rain.  Dave and Noah explore fifty ways to leave your employer.  And bodies are invaded, and perhaps, perhappenstance snatched in a Dark and Stormy manner.  Somebody call Stormin' Norman! 

NO STRINGS ATTACHED, along with your retinas, after you see this piece of Rom Com! Dave and Noah delve into the Ashtray of Ashton Kutcher to retrieve the second "friends with benefits" movie of 2011. Ashton Kutcher is the son of a popular TV legend who has a habit of screwing the Kutch-dog's former girlfriends.  Ashton starts humping the nearest nurse who will take pity on him, namely Natalie Portman, who's taking a break from a life of Tom Cruise Control and Queen Padme Star Wars duties. They ask themselves the question of "can women and men be friends?" in the most intrestlingly way possible: by having copius amounts of sexual intercouse. The answer is, as always, what is your domestic box office gross gain? NO STRINGS ATTACHED, along with morals, candor and class!  Dave calls upon one of his Mr. Writer Bombastic friends to redo our logo.  Noah talks about how he got his mom drunk once to design the original podcast logo.  And we all take a pause to recognize the incredible endeavors of Mark Rapacz. 

Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream...and WE have MCDREAMY! Join Dave and Noah as they tuck into a deep dish of Dempsey with a side order of Patrick.  That's a tall order for a short fry, but that fry is MADE OF HONOR from 2008, starring our main man Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan. Dempsey, a wealthy man of leisure, is the toast of the town tom cats. Michelle Monaghan is the one woman he hasn't slept with, ergo, she is his most intimate confidant. When she leaves for a temporary work trip abroad he realizes that she is the love of his life. Upon her return, he is about to propose her when she reveals that she is marrying Scotish royalty and would like him to be her Maid of Honor. This McDream has turned into a McScream.  Dave and Noah share how they would live if they were Dempsey for a day and we finally uncover the truth about what lies beneath a certain Loch in Scotland.

Time moves in one direction and this movie moves in another! This week Dave and Noah synchronize their Casio wristwatches to TiMER (2009) starring Emma Caulfield, John Patrick Amedori and Michelle Borth. It is the year 3,000ish and every twenty-something has the option of having a TiMER installed in their wrist.  A TiMER is like a more portable, more sentient version of the online dating site OK CUPID. This device simply gives a countdown to the day you will meet your one true soul mate.  Some people (the super slutty ones) have countdowns that span decades, while some (the super-duper slutty ones) have a countdown that is a matter of hours. Emma Caulfield's TiMER is blank and it will remain blank until her soulmate gets with jiggy with the Joneses and has one installed. In the meantime she dates a grocery cashier who has a timer that will go off in three months, but his free spirit teaches her that true love has no ETA...which strangely enough is ATE backwards.  Now I'm hungry. It's tater-tot time! I'd bette

Now BOREding for takeoff, it's OVERNIGHT (2012) starring Rachel Blanchard and James D'Arcy.  This is one redeye that will make you wish you had pinkeye!  Rachel is departing from Splitsville, CA, when a chance encounter with a banjo playing Physics professor causes her overnight flight to become an overnight delight!  Their relationship TAKES OFF at the speed of sound, but before their hearts can reach great new heights, they have a helluva lot of baggage to check.  But this is nothing that a little papa smurf fetishising can't fix...or is it?  When the rubber meets the tarmac, our James D'Arcy physics professor, who specializes in string theory, is going to wish he specialized in rope theory, because she's slipping away! Dave tells a harrowing tale of going to San Diego while leaving his Manatee in Phoenix. Noah beholds a Zach Galifianakis in Arab-face. 

Dave is off helping blind women throw clay pots on a pottery wheel. Noah makes a twenty minute correction to the fallow episode from 2/22. 

 Call off the jesters, for this week fatty gives you the royal treatment with 2004's The Prince & Me. This crown jewel may be shiny, but beware, beneath yonder garb there be ginger-haired inbreeding! Starring Julia Stiles and Luke Mably, this franchise, (part one of four) begins upon a time when a series called "Girls Gone Wild" existed. Heavy weighs the impending crown of Prince Mably, who finds the royal Danish floozies dreadfully triflesome and boring.  Whilst channel surfing one afternoon, Prince Luke Mably spies an ad for "Girls gone Wild" being brodcasted from a land called Madison, Wisconsin. He cuts off his royal ties and travels to the land of Milk and Packers whereupon he becomes enchanted under Julia Stiles' anal retentive spell. She's a pre-med farmgirl who has an unfortunate mental deficiency in knowing how to doff her top, even when ordered by a Danish Prince in disguise! Be that as it may, even though she's a little bit country and he's a little bit rock'n'roll, they find it in their hearts

It's Dave and Noah's very first GUESSISODE.  The first part of this episode is recorded with our predictions of the plot, then we watch the chick flick and spend the rest of the episode on suicide watch, you dig? This week we prognosticate License To Wed starring John Krasinsky, Mandy Moore and the MORKster himself: Robin Williams! Mandy wants a traditional Cat-Lick weddin' but their priest is anything but traditional.  Or even kitten-lickin' good at his Jason Priestly duties. He is going to put them through the ringer and I'm not just talking anal. They even have to raise a pair of robot babies.  It's totally Blade Runner, if Ridley Scott had played too much pro-football in his youth. The rest of this movie is so bland that even an appearance from Wanda Sykes only briefly turns it from bland to caramel, and then back to bland. But we all learn a few things about ourselves, especially when it comes to finding a good place in your apartment to hide all of your sharp objects. Better head down to the Department