When Harry Met Fatty

Fatty is now leaving Forks, Washington, population: zzz, zzz, zzz. The end of a saga is upon us as Dave and Noah are subjected to The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II, starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and a breakfast burrito worth of CGI found in George Lucas' Roomba. K-Stew has a new attitude: she now sucks blood instead of screen time, but the salad days of her new marriage are over.  Her and R-Pat have been accused of committing the most heinous of all vampire crimes: upstaging Dakota Fanning with a younger, more cuter baby vampire who could give Honey Boo-Boo a run for her pharmaceutical grade Flintstone Vitamin Uppers. So once again every freak who could give a frack in Forks has to band together and help K-Stew and R-Pat go stand in a field to face off the Voltori, a supreme court team of Draculas from Italy. However, since this world lives and dies according to Stephenie Meyer's magical Mormon underwear, there are no outlandish rulings or even epic battles. People just sta

Dave is on a farm in upstate New York.  Noah watches Teen Wolf Season Two and listens to his jams. 

Valentine’s Day is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one will cream all over your face. Fatty rings The Girl Next Door starring Emile Hirsch, Elisha Cuthbert Timothy Olyphant and Paul Dano. Hirsch is a straight-A senior gunning for a scholarship to Georgetown. His straight A’s take a turn to straight “V’s” when a new girl moves in next door to him and goes to town on his george. Metaphorically, of course, these are high schoolers for Pete’s sake! After they’ve been dating a spell, Hirsch finds out that her former line of work involved hoochie-coochie-peeping-Tom-foolery with the cameras and the fluffers and disco lights and whatnot.  Plus, she has a skeezy producer who wants to pull her back into that risque buisness.  What’s a goody straight-laced-two-shoes with everything on the line to do?  The answer lies in the purest meaning of the phrase “if you can’t beat ‘em, join em!” and boy does he!  Dave has a brand new pair of rollerskates and George Saunders has a brand new key. Noah spins a yarn t

This sequel is a drag. Literally.  Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous stars Sandra Bullock, Regina King, William Shatner, Ernie Hudson and a whole bunch of drag queens.  Picking up a mere two weeks after the tumultuous events that took place at the close of Miss Congeniality, Sandra Bullock finds that returning to work at the FBI is turning out to effin' be AY-yi-YI!  Her reputation and celebrity preceeds her, causing her cover to be blown which gets her partner shot. (Bullock is a fantastic moving target). After her boyfriend dumps her, Bullock's boss, (Winston from Ghostbusters), shacks her up with a gay make-up bag whisperer and she becomes the new face of the FBI.  Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation shows up and kidnaps William Shatner and the Queen of Miss United States, holding them for ransom.  Bullock wants back in on the investigation side of the Federal Bureau, but she has public relations, and, more tragically, a sassy black body guard to contend with before she can save her pageant pals f

Drawing a blank? Well she DREW BARELY MORE than one when trying to remember her last true kiss.  Never Been Kissed starring Drew Barrymore, David Arquette and that sexy dude from Alias. Drew Barrymore is an uptight copy editor with a checkered high school past who yearns to be a reporter.  One day she gets an opportunity to go undercover as a highschool student to write her first article abouthow kids these days REALLY live.  Determined to rewrite her past, Drew never expected she'd be copyediting her future, a future with a dashing, yet soulful kindred spirit, who happens to be HER ENGLISH TEACHER!  Don't stand so close to this one, fatties, cuz she's never been kissed and his kiss is on her LIST!Dave yearns for those glory days when he was a jock who could bully nerds on their own level: through chess.  Noah perfects his sunny surfer girl drawl. Almost.

No Dave.  Noah Mourns the passing of a local legend.  And he gets drunk and tells the tale of a worst week ever. 

Get this couple some velcro, cuz they seem to have trouble tying the knot!  The Five Year Engagement, from 2012, stars Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, Chris Pratt and Alison Brie. Jason is a chef and Emily is a gal who's practically made-to-order for him!  They get engaged and she gets an offer for post graduate work in Michigan.  They push their wedding date back two years and Jason quits his San Francisco treat of a Sous Chef job to follow her to the Great Lake State.  Only the state of their relationship is not so great, especially when Emily's program gets extended another three years. Chris Pratt and Alison Brie provide some background antics to the foreground glacial erosion of Emily and Jason's relationship.  It's like watching paint dry and somehow feeling emotionally scarred by the whole ordeal...as if you were once felt up by an Uncle Hirshfields and now every day ends with you figuratively painting yourself into an emotional corner. Paging Wilson Phillips, we need to BREAK FREE FROM THE CHAINS!!! Dave ta

More like 27 messes!  Katherine has been dreaming of her wedding since she was a low-gl. But before this low-gl can become a Heigl who's happily betrothed, she is cursed to walk amongst the pomp and circumstance of matrimony 27 times over, serving many a Lord draped in white and satin. Her sister comes to visit and seduces her only romantic interest, (her boss), out from under her.  They fall hard and fast, asking Heigl to officiate their wedding, which will be in three weeks. Meanwhile a rogue reporter, James Marsden, has taken it upon himself to profit from Heigl's plight.  He's assigned  to cover the impending nuptials, However, his secret expose´ won't be the only thing that's black and white and red all over. All aboard!  Grab your slippers and your cat, this train's headed to Cliche Bay, population LOVELORN.   Move over Chris Gaines and Sasha Fierce! Dave has his own alter ego named Skittles.  Don't pee on her leg and tell her it's raining, because Judge Judy is on!  Noah reveals his ideal wedding, and

Wedding Bells, this film smells, Ashton laid an egg!  Ring in the new Millenium for the Thirteenth time by watching JUST MARRIED starring Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphy, and the French Alps!  Ashton is a radio traffic announcer and Brittany is just a rich girl who’s gone too far, (but you know it don’t matter anyway), by marrying Kutcher and taking him on the Honeymoon from Hell. These two may be young and blessed with perfect skin (Ashton looks like a Gelfling from Jim Henson’s The Dark Crystal), but the gods of matrimony have cursed them eternal postnuptial kerfuffles. Ashton accidentally kills Murphy’s prized puppy and lies about it while Brittany accidentally sleeps with her ex-boyfriend.  Luckily, he’s stalking them as they traverse the French Alps into Venice.  But don’t worry, this movie made a lot of money. It made so much money.   Dave talks about his New Year’s Eve exposure to secondhand fried food and Noah reveals the most efficient way to become fluent in Old English.  Move over Rosetta Stone!

Noah Warren gets possessed by the spirit of Oprah Winfrey and this fallow episode of When Harry Met Fatty becomes another episode of Noprah Warrenphry's Favorite Things!  Whatever you do...DO NOT look under your seat!