Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/10/movie-mastery-venom.mp3 While not fully a horror film, I’m still counting this as an entry for the years Horrortoberfest. There’s a weird monster that possesses someone and it eats people so, you know, it’s close enough for me.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/10/movie-mastery-the-unborn.mp3 Taking a quick detour from the 80s horror week so that Jef can, once again, miss out on good movies and watch some crap that can’t even be saved by brief appearances from both Idris Elba and Gary Oldman.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/09/movie-mastery-the-predator.mp3 Once again, an alien species of hunters comes to Earth but this time it’s not trophies that they’re after. Can our ragtag crew of soldiers with PTSD, a biologist, and a kid with super autism stop this threat? Yes, obviously. Is it any good? Ehhhh.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/09/movie-mastery-moontrap-target-earth.mp3 The movie cover shows giant fighting robots and the back promises a story of time travel and a dire rush to save the Earth. The movie delivers repeating exposition in a warehouse with no time travel and the only robots look like 6 foot tall foam Bionicles.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/08/movie-mastery-slender-man.mp3 A terrifying internet meme comes to life and turns out to basically be if The Ring was about incredibly annoying teenagers. Also, instead of being a creepy background figure, Slender Man has turned into basically a mean tree spirit that will straight-up choke a bitch.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/08/movie-mastery-crash-and-burn.mp3 In the distant future of 2030, Earth is ravaged by the depletion of the ozone layer and one corporation holds power over everyone. Also, there are giant, sad-looking robots that are totally sweet. Now, forget all that because none of it matters and everything is bad actors talking in a factory.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/07/movie-mastery-mamma-mia-2.mp3 It’s time to revisit the magical island paradise where rich white people sing and dance their cares away while the local Greeks toil in the background. In this prequel/sequel mash-up we discover exactly what the circumstances were when a young Donna boned down with 3 dudes in a couple weeks. Finally, the questions we all asked get answered.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/07/movie-mastery-doa-dead-or-alive.mp3 It’s a movie based on a video game that is pretty much only known for the fact that the boobs would jiggle. You can probably guess what the movie’s cinematography tends to focus on. Also, you might have thought this came out in the 90s to cash in on the Mortal Kombat movie but it was 2006 and I’m frankly stunned.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/06/movie-mastery-hereditary.mp3 We went a little overboard talking about the latest critical darling of the horror world. Did we talk for almost an hour and forty minutes because we loved it or hated it? Only one way to find out.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/06/movie-mastery-solo.mp3 After the Deadpool 2 review, everyone was asking if we would also review Solo. We here at System Mastery podcasts are nothing if not open to listening to the desires of our fans. So, here it is in all of it’s nonsensical glory.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/movie-mastery-deadpool.mp3 Once again, Jon is joined by Quinn and Josette from the Swallows of the South podcast to provide our thoughts on Deadpool 2. Though mostly it’s our thoughts on weird mouth sounds and talking like a baby.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/movie-mastery-the-core.mp3 It’s another week of special guest hosts but this time you get twice the guests for half the cost! Jo and Quinn join in watching a disaster movie with probably the shakiest science I’ve seen in one of these. Also, we get into some Egyptian mythology for…some reason.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/movie-mastery-avengers-infinity-war.mp3 You didn’t vote for it but we went to see it anyway. It’s anarchy here over at Movie Mastery studios. Jef is gone and has been replaced by fan favorite, Claire. It’s all topsy-turvy and the whole world is blowing up. In the movie, too.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/04/movie-mastery-the-alf-movie.mp3 Hah!  He kills us.  This almost embarrassingly cheap TV special takes Alf on a grand tour of… some B-roll footage of Chicago.  We meet ALF’s brother Mitch (yes, we know the cartoon said his brother’s name was Curtis), and the government agent tasked with catching them both.  What branch of government?  Shut up.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/movie-mastery-theodore-rex.mp3 After the release of Jurassic Park, dinosaur mania was sweeping the nation. The people wanted dinosaurs and they didn’t care how they got them. Then along came this putrid attempt at a buddy cop film that wasn’t sure if it wanted to be a wacky fart-laugher for kids or a dystopic Judge Dredd-esque cop story. Truly a wake up call for us that maybe we had a problem.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/movie-mastery-helldriver.mp3 It’s like someone took the storyboard for an amazing, nutty zombie movie and then let the most boring person alive edit it. If you thought that the one thing that high adrenaline action horror movies needed was turning what would be an establishing shot into an entire scene of a movie then I guess you’re in luck.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/02/movie-mastery-black-panther.mp3 From the bottom of our heart shaped plants, thank you for voting for this over Fifty Shades this month. It is a rare occasion that we get to see and review movies that are even remotely decent, let alone overwhelmingly great. It’s like getting a little vacation and it’s all thanks to the voters.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/02/movie-mastery-the-death-cure.mp3 In a world where every post apocalypse scenario has come to pass, only a handful of plucky kids can save the day. Can the mega corporation with the dumbest acronym stand up to the mighty onslaught of horny teens? Find out this and more with our in depth review!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/movie-mastery-guardians.mp3 It’s time for some superhero action from the Motherland. Russia’s greatest/only heroes must band together to stop the machinations of the evil Dr. Electro-Bane. It’s like if the Fantastic Four were cosmonauts instead (yes I know about Red Ghost and the Super-Apes).

 https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/movie-mastery-suburban-commando.mp3 There was a time when Hollywood was trying really hard to turn Hulk Hogan into a legit movie star. With films like this, though, they skipped the standard process of turning a famous muscle man into a star which usually involves being an action hero and went straight to family comedy. It’s like if Schwarzenegger’s big film break had been Kindergarten Cop.