Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/08/movie-mastery-twin-peaks-fire-walk-with-me.mp3 Content Warning: David Lynch kinda went all in on the rape stuff in this movie. It’s just one more bit of awful in the sea of garbage that is this awful, boring movie.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/07/movie-mastery-crawl.mp3 A movie about alligators attacking during a hurricane is actually getting some pretty decent critical reviews. But can a well crafted horror movie penetrate Jef’s tough, scaly hatred for the genre?

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/07/movie-mastery-scorpion-king-5-book-of-souls.mp3 Technically we randomly rolled The Scorpion King as our movie this week. However, after seeing that a Scorpion King 5 existed; we simply needed to know what was going on with this franchise.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/movie-mastery-dark-phoenix.mp3 It’s time to review the final installment in the X-Men franchise under Fox. Is it going to be more of the same and end on a real wet fart of a movie? Golly, that would be sad! Let’s hope not!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/movie-mastery-the-crow.mp3 Were you a little gothy kid in the 90s? Then you don’t need us to tell you about this movie. Or, actually, you probably do because this one gets some serious goth tinted glasses.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/movie-mastery-detective-pikachu.mp3 We went to go see Detective Pikachu after I messed up and only put 3 options on the available poll for the month. Oh well, now you can learn all about how we don’t know anything about Pokemon and how Jef continues to find theaters with the worst people in them.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/movie-mastery-gravy.mp3 Three cannibals take a small restaurant hostage for their annual Halloween feast. But don’t worry, it’s light hearted and jokey. But don’t worry, it’s also incredibly gory. But don’t worry, none of it works and the whole thing sucks.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/movie-mastery-avengers-endgame.mp3 It’s an extra long episode about an extra long movie. Over 20 movies in the making and now two idiots from the internet get to nitpick minor quibbles.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/04/movie-mastery-spice-world.mp3 It’s time to dive into the spicy world of girl power and see if somehow a movie based on and starring a band can in any way be good. Almost certainly not but we are obligated to watch it none the less.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/04/movie-mastery-the-item.mp3 Any time you find a movie that is written, directed by, and starring the same person you know it is either going to be a true masterpiece or a pile of self-indulgent garbage. Given the fact that you’ve probably never heard of this and the plot revolves around a dick-worm puppet; I’ll let you decide which.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/03/movie-mastery-captain-marvel.mp3 It’s time to go back to the mid 90’s which means it’s right in our wheelhouse. Is this the feminist icon we’ve all been waiting for or have the SJWs ruined everything by allowing movies to have speaking roles for women in them? I feel dirty even having typed that.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/03/movie-mastery-hard-ticket-to-hawaii.mp3 Some sort of agents of some sort of agency run around Hawaii shooting weird thugs and taking their tops off.  Come for Jef’s ebullient love of good old fashioned boob movies, stay for the rocket launcher.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/02/movie-mastery-what-men-want.mp3 Barely winning out in the poll for the month, this sequel(?) to an almost 20 year old movie raises a lot of questions. Questions like “Who cares?” and “Why are we watching this?”

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/02/movie-mastery-jupiter-ascending.mp3 With a movie that was universally panned when it came out; will this turn out to be a sleeper of a hit? Or were the critics right and the whole thing is a ridiculous pile of nonsense? Maybe both? Find out on today’s Movie Mastery.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/01/movie-mastery-spiderman-into-the-spiderverse.mp3 You asked for it (like a month ago), you got it! We cover the animated sensation of the year. Nay! The decade! Does this new Spider-Man live up to the hype or are we so dead inside that joy can no longer penetrate our thick and scaly hides? Find out!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/01/movie-mastery-truth-or-dare.mp3 This week’s review is a little different as we go off from the normal format and Jon picks the movie. It’s a film so insidious that it has haunted his very existence for the past several months and it’s time he inflicted it on other people. Enjoy this double length episode.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/12/Movie-Mastery-Babes-in-Toyland-1986.mp3 A Christmas movie from Jon’s past comes back to haunt Jef. This fever dream of a movie with no budget and a big name cast will meander around for about a half hour’s worth of content. Just like we do!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/movie-mastery-fantastic-beasts-tcog.mp3 Return once more to the Wizarding World where we follow out hero Newt Scamander as he barely manages to be part of the plot that is happening around him. Everyone from the first movie is back with barely any screentime because Johnny Depp is here and he’s got an accent.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/movie-mastery-down-periscope.mp3 Did Jef and Jon enjoy this movies subtle themes? Or did they find the entire thing to be sub par? One things for sure, watch this movie with sub-titles on. SUB JOKES!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/movie-mastery-black-mountain-side.mp3 Back with one last stab at some horror before the last of October’s spookiness gives way to too much food and presents. This one has both of us in agreement on the quality of the film. Does this mean Jef finally liked a horror movie? No. It does not.