Movie Mastery

The experience of watching this movie is much the same as Goldblum’s character within the movie: mildly amused but mostly just confused about what’s happening and why.

If there’s one element that can turn any concept from drab and boring to thrilling and engaging it’s steampunk. The thing that Alexandre Dumas’ classic tale was missing was scuba gear, airships, and gatling cannons.

After World War 3 has devastated the planet and war is outlawed, the remaining civilizations decide that the best use of their limited resources is to have giant fuck-off robots punch each other over territory disputes.

The romantic comedy that lets women know that you can finally find love as long as you are willing to leave your job, friends, and family behind in order to be with a man you’ve known for less than a week.

Not to be confused with Star Wars: The Cone Wars the TV show. Or Star Wars: Clone Wars the TV show. Or Star Wars: The Clone Wars the video game. This one had a theatrical release that nobody cared about! And we definitely watched it!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/03/movie-mastery-spawn.mp3 Back in the 90’s when comics were gritty and the CGI was absolutely terrible, somebody greenlit a movie that’s 85% narration and 15% incredibly poorly done fight scenes.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/03/movie-mastery-on-deady-ground.mp3 We’ve talking about Steven Seagal several times on the podcast before but this is the first time we get to finally sit down and sink our teeth into one of his movies. With a star-studded cast and definitely, for sure not sure Asians playing Native Americans; On Deadly Ground really makes you realize why Seagal became a joke.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/02/movie-mastery-circle-of-iron.mp3 Inspired by a script from legendary martial artist Bruce Lee, comes Circle of Iron. A movie where a whiny, asshole white guy has people attempt to teach him Zen lessons but he learns nothing and remains the worst.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/02/movie-mastery-tango-and-cash.mp3 A movie that both of us had heard of but neither of us knew anything about. This film walks the delicate line of being a loving example of its genre and being a complete parody. Also, it gets a sprinkling of Heavy Business!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/01/movie-mastery-ready-player-one.mp3 If you love pop-culture references to things from the 80’s and early 90’s and also nothing else, then this is the adaptation you’ve been waiting for.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/01/movie-mastery-hardcore-henry.mp3 We find out if a single gimmick stretched out over an hour and a half can in some way improve upon the action movie genre. Also, Sharlto Copley gets a lot of love in this one.

  https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/12/movie-mastery-eragon.mp3   When all the young adult novels were fighting to see who would come out on top, Eragon set itself apart by being written by a teen itself. A teen that had apparently very recently watched Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Then they made a movie. Sort of.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/11/movie-mastery-cherry-2000.mp3 In a future dystopia where relationships are no more than business contracts, one man has the romantic passion to fall in love with his sex robot. Now he has to head away from future city, to Western Town to pick up a tracker before driving into Post Apocalypse Desert and, hey, Melanie Griffith is here.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/10/movie-mastery-bad-hair.mp3 A Horrortoberfest special with guest star Chanel from the Arms of the Tide podcast. Thankfully the episode isn’t just two white dudes talking about a very specifically Black woman issue turned into horror movie,.

  https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/10/movie-mastery-deadcon.mp3 You ever wonder what would happen if the internet was haunted and social media was out to get you? Me too. Unfortunately, this movie doesn’t do that and instead is just a haunted hotel room at VidCon. Spooooooky.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/10/movie-mastery-the-whispering-man.mp3 Welcome to Day 1 of Horrortoberfest 2020, the year that’s already scary enough that doing this is actually a relief. Get ready for a big heaping helping of nothing as this found footage film tries to scare you with the sound of a guy not able to catch his breath.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/09/movie-mastery-the-shaggy-d.a.-1976.mp3 The sequel to the movie that came out almost 20 years before this because “Hollywood has run out of ideas” is nothing new. Whacky hijinks abound in this comedy with a very strangely dark turn towards the end,.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/09/movie-mastery-the-punisher-1989.mp3 At the same time that Batman was set to make his dark entrance onto the big screen; Marvel was looking to put up their own brooding man with no super powers. But this movie has an R rating so you know it fucks.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/movie-mastery-nick-fury-1998.mp3 Before Samuel L. Jackson came along and made the character into the badass we know today; David Hasselhoff made the character into a weird Boomer Dad fantasy featuring some truly atrocious acting and directing choices.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/movie-mastery-hulk-2003.mp3 Before Ruffalo. Before Norton. After Ferrigno. There was Bana. In the role he was hired to play: A very boring scientist that turns into Shrek and fights his dad who is also a cloud now.