Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/movie-mastery-clockstoppers-2002.mp3 Go back in time with us and see the pure distillation of early 2000’s culture into a single movie. This one checks all the boxes of what a movie aimed at kids would have and also gets to drag around poor French Stewart.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/movie-mastery-cool-as-ice-1991-1.mp3 Like most other movies starring a celebrity that isn’t an actor, this is mostly just a vanity project that has no redeeming aspects. Plus, as a romantic(?) comedy(?), the main character gets to be a super creepy asshole and the love interest thinks it’s endearing.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/movie-mastery-descendants-2015.mp3 Over a year ago I was at a Baskin-Robbins with Jef when I saw a cake theme in their book of birthday cake options that was apparently themed around Disney villain children going to high school together. This confounded me and now I can say that seeing it is no less baffling.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/movie-mastery-bee-movie-for-reals.mp3 Barry B. Benson is no ordinary bee.  He’s a shitty bee you immediately hate.  Let’s follow along with his entitled crusade to become a lawyer and sue for all the honey he never worked for anyway, and sort of kind of falls in love with a human?  Also was this movie just made to throw a few paychecks to NBC alumni?

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/movie-mastery-bee-movie-2007.mp3 Barry B. Benson is no ordinary bee.  He’s a shitty bee you immediately hate.  Let’s follow along with his entitled crusade to become a lawyer and sue for all the honey he never worked for anyway, and sort of kind of falls in love with a human?  Also every time we say “Bee” the review starts going faster.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/movie-mastery-captain-america-1979.mp3 Since we were supposed to go see a superhero movie in the theaters this week but couldn’t because of global pandemic, we decided to finally sit down and watch Reb Brown in all his glory as Captain America.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/movie-mastery-shock-treatment.mp3 The black hole of shitty musicals has yet to release us from its gravity well and has instead dragged special guest Claire down into the muck with us. This is the sequel(?) to Rocky Horror kind of and also just bad. Enjoy!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/02/movie-mastery-sonic-the-hedgehog.mp3 After a much-hated initial design, Sonic is back with a less horror inducing look and a strange obsession with preaching the inherent superiority of “small town ideals”. Also, I guess he has lightning powers now so there’s that.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/02/movie-mastery-repo-the-genetic-opera.mp3 It’s the musical movie with a cult following that I can only assume likes it ironically. I literally cannot fathom why anyone would choose to watch this more than once.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/01/movie-mastery-cats.mp3 You did it. You made us go see Cats. I hope you’re proud of yourselves. Now reality has lost all meaning and Jon can’t seem to stop introducing himself as Jauntypine the Podcast Cat.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/01/movie-mastery-winters-tale.mp3 What if stars are miracles left by people when they die and we wish on the love of those who have gone before with heaven’s wishing love miracle? What if every person has a miracle inside them but also is a miracle in and of themselves? What if a horse was actually a dog?

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/12/movie-mastery-fred-claus.mp3 Jef has been allowed to take over the movie decisions for the month and has decided it’s “A Very Vince Vaughn Christmas”. First up we find out out Santa’s deadbeat brother and also there are just so many questions about the world building in this.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/11/movie-mastery-doctor-sleep.mp3 In a surprising twist, this sequel to a novel/movie that is 30 years old isn’t just some random garbage thrown together for a cash grab. But is it good? You’ll just have to listen to find out. Or watch it yourself. Or I guess read some other review.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/11/movie-mastery-future-cops.mp3 When the past needs saving, you call the Future Cops! They’re…well, they’re just Street Fighter guys with a flair for the slapstick. This still might be a better Street Fighter movie than the one we actually got, though.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/movie-mastery-countdown.mp3 October comes to a close and so too must Horrortoberfest but first one final treat from these tricksters. We said we weren’t doing an In Theaters episode this month but we totally are! Enjoy a movie that definitely isn’t quite as bad as the premise might lead you to believe.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/movie-mastery-return-to-horror-hotel.mp3 This horror anthology runs the gamut of topics from the subversive quality of platonic male touch to the charming and lovely nature of middle America that we all still seem to look down on. No, wait, sorry. That’s just the bits we’re doing. The movie is about finding out how low budget you can make short movies.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/movie-mastery-await-further-instructions.mp3 Have you ever thought, “You know what? Maybe technology isn’t great and we rely on it too much”? Well then you should watch Black Mirror. Have you already watched all of Black Mirror? I guess you could probably watch this then.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/09/movie-mastery-it-chapter-2.mp3 The end of the clown saga is here. With a fairly bloated run time of just under 3 hours; can Chapter 2 capture the magic from the first one? Or will the story of a bunch of 40 year olds remembering when they got scared as kids not hold up as well?

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/09/movie-mastery-mom-and-dad-save-the-world.mp3 Imagine if someone with no sense of humor decided they wanted to make a movie like Spaceballs. Now imagine they decided to make it a Jeffrey Jones vehicle. Now imagine you had to watch it for a podcast. Ok, now imagine an elephant with six legs. Imagination is fun!

  https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/08/movie-mastery-dora-the-explorer.mp3 In this children’s TV show turned teen adventure movie, the entire thing seems to have been dipped in a layer of magical realism where talking monkeys are simply nonsensical but talking, bipedal foxes in masks are hardly noteworthy.